Motherhood and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Today was a rough one. I woke up with a headache. I burnt my espresso. I’m fighting some killer cramps. I received some very sad news about a dear friend of mine. I’m all kinds of emotional. And my kids have needed me all day. Like really needed me… as in, demanded every single ounce of my being. I know… they’re toddlers. That’s what they do. They’re kissable, huggable, lovable balls of exhaustion.
Mid-morning I tried to give myself a reset. I thought to myself, Ok, I’m going to set the kids up for success… put their drinks in hand, give them a bowl of snacks, turn on the tv, and scatter toys all over the living room floor.
“Give me one Daniel tiger episode guys” (this is the only reference of time they understand). “I need to take a hot bath and then I promise we’ll do something fun.”
No sooner than I had ran my hot water and eased myself into the tub, both toddlers were barreling into the bathroom. “Mommy!” “I need more water”, “My cheerios are all gone”, “Harrison took my blanky!”, “Sissy hit me!”, “MOM!”
I pulled my knees up to my chest, positioning myself into a fetal position in an attempt to preserve any amount of modesty motherhood has left me. I tried to control the chaos. I tried to tame the tantrums. I tried to persuade them to go watch cartoons but they were no longer interested in Daniel Tiger. In fact, they had seen that episode already. Psshhh… They didn’t care. They wanted to take a bath. They wanted to splash. They wanted to play with their mom. I spent the next 10 minutes trying my hardest to fight for the opportunity to hold onto my bath. All I really did in that amount of time was yell at my kids to stop putting their hands in the water and splashing me. At one point, my two-year-old literally almost fell into the tub.
So I gave up.
My water was cold anyway. I grabbed my towel and stepped out and as you would expect, both kids began pulling off their pants. “My turn!”, “Tubby Time!”, “Can we have bubbles!?”
While I dried off, they climbed in. In a matter of seconds they had turned the bathroom into a splash pad. I tried to relax. I tried not to be bitter. Or negative. Or begrudge their innocent play. At least they were confined to a given space long enough for me to sit in one spot for more than a few minutes, even if that meant sitting half naked on the toilet seat as I watched them and made sure they didn’t drown.
Once we finally all made it out of the bathroom and got ourselves dressed for the day, I told the kids that we were going to run into town and pick up some groceries. Honestly, I needed to get out of the house. We all needed to get out of the house. My kids were full of happy energy, I was on EMPTY, and it wasn’t even noon.
Would you believe that even grocery shopping was a disaster? We hadn’t been pushing the cart around the store for more than 5 minutes before I had lost one of my son’s shoes. Minutes later, I dropped a glass jar of marinara sauce. Glass and sauce splattered everywhere… all over my boots, my daughter’s shoes, our cart, the aisle, everywhere. We were a disaster. I can’t even make this stuff up.
I feel like I’m complaining. Like I’m a super negative and in one of those moods where I need to turn off my phone, stay away from people, and lock myself in my bedroom… (the irony of that statement is that I am in fact, finally sitting in my bedroom with my door locked as I hide from the chaos and try to type my stress away)… I suppose I should be thankful for my ‘knight in shining armor’ of a husband who recognized, for everyone’s sake and sanity, that mommy needed to go sit in her room for awhile…
Here’s the thing. MOMS. I feel you. I feel you on a seriously personal level tonight. Social media is so inundated with pretty pictures and happy moments and I LOVE looking at those beautiful happy shots, but I’m also here to tell you that behind those pictures are real people. Tired people. Emotional people. Exhausted people. Good people. But real people. People don’t naturally share the angry, messy, tiring, crazy chaos. But you better believe it’s there. We’re all human…
Tonight isn’t about being witty or funny. I don’t have an inspiring message or ‘lesson learned’ to share. Right now, I’m the mom who is hiding from her family. I can hear my husband tackling dinner and taming tantrums and doing his best to keep the kids happy and calm and quiet. Tonight, I’m just sharing a moment. A very raw and very real day of ‘momming’ (Can I make that a verb?). Maybe I’m trying to offer you some validation. Perhaps I’m looking for some reassurance and validation myself… In all honesty, this is probably my mind and body keeping myself busy in order to divert an emotional breakdown. Today has just been one of those days. Those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days. A day of one thing after another going the opposite of how it was planned. A day of a whole bunch of hard moments. A day of doing EVERYTHING in my power to keep from screaming, or crying, or both… and I haven’t even mentioned the overwhelming guilt that comes after the roller coaster of a bad day… You know what I’m talking about… Guilt for yelling. Guilt for fatigue. Guilt for being boring, for not doing enough, not giving enough. Guilt for wanting a break from the people I love and care about the most.
Moms. We all have those days. Momming is HARD. Tomorrow will be better. I’ll be less emotional next week. I promise my next post will be witty and light. But tonight… whew… tonight is about some heavy, UNcontrolled chaos. You’ve been there too, right?